If you had it all to do again

ok first post. gotta make it good, right? something to last the ages, grasp the attention of the ADHD generation.

meh... i'd rather just post this:

i'm thinking of becoming agoraphobic.

i wonder how long i could live shut up inside my house, never setting foot outside. you can order groceries online, stream movies from netflix, download free porn so you don't need to bother dating. and still have social contact via twitter and facebook. all life's necessities fulfilled by the glory of the internet.

i'm sitting in my living room babysitting my brother as he watches the same family feud episode he has repeatedly since july 14th of last year. he loves it. but only the first 3 minutes or so. he'll sit and watch it over and over and smile and laugh and just be happy with that one stupid game show episode from the 70s. i guess its the simple things in life that really count.

i'm sitting on our foam couch in my underdog pajama pants with the hole in the knee and a stewie griffin t-shirt that makes my breasts declare "you are under my control" watching my brother in his simple happiness. he hardly leaves the house and it doesn't seem to bother him. then again, he's 19 and severely autistic. so maybe it bothers him and he just can't tell us.

if you could relive your childhood with the mind of an adult, would you want to? all the shit you know and learned til now crammed in that little body with the slight lisp and the missing front tooth, pigtails messy and loose, dirt on your little pink pleated dress from falling off the monkeybars at recess. the ability to do complex calculus or conjugate russian verbs safely nestled away in the recesses where no responsible adult would ever suspect. they'd spell out words like S-E-X and B-L-O-W-J-O-B, never knowing that you giggled because you understood, not because you just chopped barbie's head off. you'd be smart enough to know that cute little johnny over there will end up divorced and broke and unemployed in 20 years. suzy with the perfect smile will get in a car accident, horribly disfigured and never smile again. sweet, quiet angela will strip for her tuition and get shot in a random gas station robbery. all those little boys and girls that never wanted to be your friend don't really matter in the end. you'll move on and so will they. and you might meet again, you might not. ten years down the line you might say "wow, they turned out swell, did i?"

but you'll be wise enough to know, in your not-so-little, little mind, that none of it really mattered. the experiences you had back then may have shaped you into who you are now, but would they change you if you could relive them? would you be happier knowing what you know and reliving the painful past? i think i'd find more time to play. run in the field, chase butterflies in my backyard. i wouldn't care so much what jennifer or jeremy thought of me. i'd laugh it off and know that those mean words at that 5th grade dance will not affect the 25 year old me. i'd tighten my pigtails, kick off my shoes and swing as high as i could pump my legs, just to prove to myself i could. i'd try to do that cartwheel on the balance beam and damn the consequences. keep on pulling myself up the rope regardless of the blisters just to ring that stupid bell at the top ONE damn time.

its taken 25 years to get here. and i still backslide every once in a while. have fits of that old depression, that sense of not belonging ... itching to escape my own skin. that lingering idea that i'm not good enough for the company i keep. that maybe i should try a little harder to be what someone wants me to be instead of just good enough for me... but in 25 years the one thing i'm certain of is this ... it doesn't fucking matter anymore. this person thinks i'm depressing, that one thinks i'm a bitch. i think you're both retarded. i'm through wasting my time and effort on people that don't think i'm worth it. and if i had my hair in pigtails today, or if i were wearing shoes... i'd find myself a swingset and have at it. but its triple-digit texas summer and i'm opposed to sunburn. i guess i'll have to settle for dangling my bare feet off the edge of the foam sofa and watching old episodes of looney tunes...