ACT 2 SCENE 3
[God, Jesus, Rabbi, Pastor, and Satan sit at a round table playing War. Soft Jazz plays. Joe enters and quietly watches the group]
God: Aces high, I feel the bloodlust. That means faces ten and count yer pips … got it Santa –
Satan: Stop calling me that! Yeah, we both like red – and we both promise rewards for acting a certain way, but that is no reas –
Jesus: (interjecting) Don’t get your panties in a twist, big red.
[all but Satan laugh]
Awww, I think ‘bubs getting a little red in the face –
[more laughter]
Joe: Hey, you’re the one that stole my watch.
Jesus: [jumps in surprise] Christ, don’t sneak up on me like that.
Joe: Just give me back my things and I won’t press any charges.
Jesus: [takes long drag of joint, passes it to God, coughs] … Things?
Joe: Maddie’s jewelry, my camera and watch –
Pastor: [sings off key] You better watch out, you better not cry –
Satan: STOP with the Claus jokes or I’m going home
God: (mocking) I’m gonna take my balls and go home, boo fucking hoo! Draw!
[all flip a card over, revealing face]
Rabbi: Two! Luck is not with me, my friends.
Pastor: Seven!?! Damn it Jesus; we agreed no miracles this round.
Jesus: Dude, I got a nine. Do you think I’d give myself a nine? Thirteen maybe, but nine? Seriously.
Satan: There’s no thirteen in this deck Jesus. Maybe you should lay off the smoking – it’s starting to affect your game -
God: I got a king, that’s a ten pip. What’d you get ‘bub?
Satan: Queen of hearts. Ten pip as well –
Pastor: Lucy’s a queen, tell me something I didn’t know!
Satan: [confused] What?
Pastor: [speaking slowly with exaggerated hand gestures] You are a QUEEN!
Satan: I drew a queen if tha–
Jesus: He’s saying you’re gay, Luce.
[takes a long pull from beer bottle]
Satan: I don’t get it. How does having a queen card have anything to do with being gay?
God: Do we have to spell it out for you again?
Satan: Spell what out? I’m not gay. I got the queen; that means we tied – right? War!
[God and Satan both flip over another card]
Rabbi: And thus the cosmic battle of good versus evil continues…
[Satan groans as God wins the round]
Joe: Are you supposed to be the devil? Why are a rabbi and a pastor playing cards with evil incarnate?
Satan: Oh yes, you’re still here. Wait, let me get into character.
[stands and badly tries to act threatening]
I will steal your soul and you will burn for all eternity in the fires of my dominio –
[Jesus throws popcorn at Satan’s face]
Dude, ow! That almost hit me in the eye! Ow, God - salt. There’s salt in my eye! It burns, it burns!
Rabbi: Now isn’t that the definition of ironic?
[Satan rubs his eyes with his sleeve and meekly sits down]
Pastor: Ok, ok I got one! A rabbi, a priest, and Jesus walk into a mosque –
God: Not again… Don’t you have any new material?
Pastor: Fine. Knock, Knock?
Jesus: This is getting old real quick, man.
Pastor: Knock, knock?!?
Rabbi: [sighs] Who’s there?
Pastor: Armageddon
Jesus: This better not be as fucking lame as it sounds -
Pastor: Armageddon!
Rabbi: [sighs] Armageddon who?
Pastor: Armageddon outta here!
[laughs obnoxiously]
Jesus: … Alright, just smite him and get it over with.
Pastor: Come on, that was funny!
Jesus: He could use some serious smiting.
God: I can’t smite him just for telling a lame joke
Jesus: What if you gave him a warning smite across his brow?
Satan: She can’t smite him Jessie, don’t crucify yourself over it.
[Snickers]
Jesus: [lights up a cigarette] You sure you wanna go there Kringle?
Satan: Stop calling me that!!!
God: Children, children. Do I have to smite both of you?
Rabbi: Again with the smiting. Just smite them both and get it over with already.
God: [knocks rabbi’s cards off table] Consider yourself smote.
[sips martini]
Joe: I hate to interrupt the, uh, smiting … but could someone please tell me what you are all doing in my kitchen?
God: Pull up a chair, Joe. Been meaning to have a little chat with ya.
Joe: Sorry, Miss… but who are you?
God: You know, it’s amazing how many times I get that. Don’t you recognize me? Maybe see a slight resemblance between myself and anyone else here?
[sips on a martini]
No? How about a quote? ‘I am what I am’ … but I don’t like spinach! Still nothing? Ok, how about this –
[Pastor and God point at each other across table mimicking the Sistine Chapel mural. God eyes Joe expectantly]
Man, did I really make you this stupid or was environment to blame? I am Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah ... any of this registering?
Joe:[laughing] You can’t be God, you’re a woman.
God: [mocking] You can’t be Joe, you’re a pansy.
Joe: Wait, how do you know my name? And why are you in my kitchen, God damn it!
God: I really don’t like it when you take my name in vain. Or damn things. I’m really the only one allowed to do tha-
Joe: You shouldn’t blaspheme!
Rabbi: He really doesn’t understand, does he?
Joe: Understand? I understand that there are five people sitting at my table, trashing my kitchen, and one of them happens to be the guy that mugged me in Jerusalem. Now, give me back my things and get the hell out of my house!
God: [stands, building in intensity] I am the creator of all things. I am Elohim, Adonai, Hashim, El Shaddai. I am the light, the liberator, the sustainer. I am the god of Abraham and Hagar, the god of Moses and Miriam. I will be because I will be. And YOU will be because I WILL it.
Joe: (walks to coffee maker) And I will be getting some coffee because you woke me up, woman.
Satan: Score one for the red team, he’s a nonbeliever
Joe: You expect me to believe in God and Jesus after HE mugged me?
Jesus: Christ man, I didn’t mug you!
Satan: (sarcastic) It wasn’t you, it was the one-armed man? Draw!
[everyone draws, losers moan as Rabbi wins]
Jesus: Last time I was down there, they nailed me to a fucking tree. I can’t imagine what they’d do if I went there again… “hi, I bring you peace and love” “kill him!!!”- But I did get a really kickass scar! Hey, Joe … wanna see my scar?
Pastor/Satan/Rabbi: No!!!
Jesus: Come on, it’s great. And chicks dig scars, I’ve gotten so much play you wouldn’t belie—
Satan: Nobody wants to see your scar!
Jesus: After all I’ve been through this is what I get?
Satan: Jesus Christ! It’s been two thousand years, get the hell over it!
God: So, Joe… whaddya know?
Joe: I know you don’t exist
God: Then how am I here? In your kitchen, playing war with Satan? Draw!
[everyone draws, groans as Jesus wins round]
I’ve been watching you lately, Joe. I don’t really like what I’m seeing. Was it really that easy? You lose your faith over one little thing –
Joe: One? I was mugged by Jesus –
Jesus: I didn’t fucking mug you man!
God: Regardless, you still stopped believing in me without putting up too much of a fight. I thought I was pretty specific about these things. I’m going to test you. I’m going to make sure your faith can’t be shaken, make sure you really do believe through thick and thin. Make sure through fire and ice, hell and high water that you still believe in me no matter what. I tested you Joe, and you failed.
Joe: What was I supposed to do? Oh you robbed me Jesus, consider it a donation to the church? You took my most treasured possessions, but that’s ok because God tested me and I passed –
God: You can’t take it with you…
Joe: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
God: It means that those were just things. Here in this life, gone in the next. YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU – so why should it matter if it was stolen? Sure it’s disappointing, sure it’s upsetting. But to lose your faith over something so small as a few stolen possessions? You’re alive. Your wife is alive. Your home and family are intact. Be happy, be joyous, and praise me as you should. ‘Cause honey, it coulda been a whole lot fucking worse.
Joe: Those things are irreplaceable. And I did everything right. I did everything I was supposed to do according to your book. How could you do this to me after I’ve been so good? I never questioned, I never asked… I just followed what you said I should do –
God: Maybe you should have asked, should have questioned.
Joe: You want disobedient children?
God: I want you to think for yourself and decide to follow me. Ask questions, learn for yourself. That’s part of the journey, the goal. Blind faith isn’t true faith. And true faith can only be built through trial. Are you ready to try?
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