when no one really knows you, no one knows what to say

i'm having a crisis of self confidence. i build it up, only to be completely knocked down anytime i stand back up.

i've fought for the last ten years to stop feeling so worthless.
i've fought for the last five to stop caring what other people think.

for the most part i've succeeded; stupid opinions of random strangers don't bring me down anymore. they don't know me, they don't have any say in what i do or how i live. they don't affect me.

but you do.

you're my friend. or at least i thought you were. but you aren't acting very friendly. very few of you are actually. i feel like i'm in some tragic repeat of two years ago- the painted smile disappears and everyone starts fading. i'm not allowed to get depressed or risk driving everyone away with my instability and insanity. real life isn't happy 24/7, show tunes and tapping feet. jazz hands to shake away the blues and grays.

but of course you laugh it off when i say these things. like I'M the one who's in the wrong, who doesn't understand the way things work. but i understand completely.

i show you who i really am and everyone runs screaming.

i should be used to it by now.

is it really sad the only one i can openly talk to is a person i've know for 13 years but never once met in real life.

yeah. thought so.

it doesn't bother me what they say, these people i don't know or like and will never see. it doesn't bother me when the say i'm fat, i'm ugly, a freak of nature, unloved and unlovable. no matter how much I may agree with them, they don't know for sure. and they could never know me.

but you're my friend. the ones who didn't say they were out of line. who didn't try to defend me when all I did was try to help you when you needed it. pretty much par for the course when it comes down to me. if it happened only once, i wouldn't be this upset. the scene is stuck on repeat, the dvd is skipping the important parts again.

i'm tired of helping everyone at the expense of my own happiness. i'm tired of always being there and knowing the only person i can rely on lives in another state and will never meet me. and is probably getting sick of my current summer of depression. but that's another story starting with another mistake i won't repeat again.

i go out of my way to be nice to people, not because i care if they like me. because i care to do the right thing no matter what. i listen to them complain about a life i would kill to have, nod along and offer solutions to problems i could only wish troubled me. i don't tell you all my deep dark traumas, i don't sob my secrets into your shoulder. i keep it inside, where it won't hurt you or make you feel sorry for me. i hate it when people feel sorry for me. i help you so you don't end up alone like me. with no one who really wants to listen or help or be there when you need it. cause real drama makes people uncomfortable. its easier to crack a joke.

like tonight. i attempt to shake off the negativity with humor, play it down how much you NOT doing the right thing made me feel completely worthless. again. if the situation were reversed, i'd have told them to fuck off. grow up. stop the bullshit and move on.

but i'm obviously not worth all that to you.

or apparently to anyone. i'm so tired of trying to explain myself and make you people understand me.

none of you will ever understand me.

none of you will ever care.

so its time to blow these bridges straight to hell, i don't need or want you in my life. i'm better than that. i'm a better person than you.

and no matter how bad the realization is of how you feel towards me, no matter how much it hurts to know the truth ... it doesn't matter in the end.

i've cried enough this fucked up summer. i've cried enough these almost 26 years. i've cried enough for however long my life lasts.

and i've decided i deserve better. i'm putting you on notice, last chance to do what's right. fuck up again, and you're gone. out of my life. out of my mind.

i deserve better. because i am stronger, wiser, and more determined than any of you had ever imagined. and i dont think any one of you truly knows me or what i'm capable of...

don't feel bad for me. you're the ones i pity.

hungover, sleep deprived, stressed out ramblings

i de-evolve in the presence of stress
retreat within myself
the groundhog sees its shadow
another endless winter keeping spring at bay

i lose sight of myself in mental fog clouded mirrors
antisocial distortion of all my goals and dreams
carnival funland proves not to be so fun
when all the clowns are laughing at you

blue lips pointed down white smeared cheeks
tears running laps in well worn tracks
standing on their heads to show their true emotion
the world's gone upside down from what you knew

in the hall of mirrors, trapped
staring at yourself in greek masks
you change like lipstick color
different faces for different occasions

each one leaves its own distinct red scar
marking the time and place of necessity
exactly why you felt the need to frown
to cry, to laugh, to shrug, to stare blindly

tried so hard to shatter every false reflection
bloody hands and fingers clawing at the shards
that only showed you smaller pieces of yourself
spinning for eternity in mini-prisons

broke one wall to reveal another hall
an endless labrynth showing you everything
you wanted to be and everything you'd never see
and all the ways you just won't measure up

in the end you meet the expectations
silently scream as loudly as your little voice can
but you don't hit that falsetto well enough
to break free of this endless cycle

job well done and and shuffle on
down the hall of lies and faded dreams
til you cant see where you started or
tell your real face from the one staring back

both ice cold and drained of all emotion
alone in the closed down carnival
wishing you'd never paid those 7 tickets
for that one failed chance at a good time

Hypochondriacs Not So Anonymous

For about two weeks i've been having stabbing pain in my lower right back. No knots, no reason I can see for why that area would be hurting more than my entire back usually hurts. I've also had problems turning my head to the right to look at things without having a cramp or a muscle spasm. again, no cause I can think for this pain.

I've had migraines all my life, they've gotten worse since we moved into this new house. I end up with headaches daily, some go full force into a migraine. Usually i start off with a dull stuffy ache. it grows and spreads, my face always hurts. by the end of the day i just want to flatten my hand with a hammer to distract myself from the pain in my head.

i had two nosebleeds today. i don't usually get nosebleeds. i know i have a problem with anemia cause i always have, even before i went vegetarian.

i cough uncontrollably when my mom smokes around me but she won't stop smoking in the car when we go places.

i'm tired all the time whether i get 30 minutes of sleep or 16 hours of sleep. i wake up every few hours and cant fall back for what seems like forever.

i've had to force myself to eat for the past 4 days. i'll have a few pieces of fruit and a salad during the entire day. and have to force that down. i'm just not hungry at all. or if i am, by the time the food is in front of me i feel queasy and don't want it anymore.

i think i need to go to a doctor. but probably won't. whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

or weaker and then eventually something else kills you.

like a tiger.

or a shark.

or a gun.

or me.

wrote these a while back...

for someone so far out of my league i'm not even allowed in the stadium -
the only way i'd match him is if i somehow won the lottery and bought myself a shiny new body and personality to boot. not that i'm down on myself, i'm merely mortal and i know my limits.

Firefly
i'm the firefly in pale moonlight
my inner glow intensely burning;
a six second half-life fully lived.
i flutter and i fall too easily;
your wild mischievous eyes follow me.
i'm drawn toward your gaze and hands
but won't let myself be captured.
trapped in your jar and shaken
i'm stirred to be with you
and terrified of these glass walls.
will you open me up to the sky?
maybe, baby set me free
to blaze my own trail
on this quickly ending night?
will i burn too quickly in your hands,
flicker out and die as you stroke
my crying face and wipe the tears away?
i'll stay warm and safe in your arms
for as long as you will have me.
will you let me go and glow
or keep me on your shelf,
a trophy conquest pinned and mounted?
will this flash as swift as lightning,
burn bright only to fade away into the night?
or will these few weeks be a lifetime?


Rejection
kiss me quick before i crumble in your arms
drip away into black oblivion crawling with ants
as the rain pouring from my eyes melts
what little sweetness i had left into a puddle
at your feet, right where i belong.
shake me off in drops on the doormat
two quick stomps before rushing back inside
to escape the deluge ive created.
but you're the one who prayed for rain
mixed smoke signals weighed down with
unintended double meanings,
choking up the cloud-drenched air,
making it heavy for the coming storm
and i have no apologies for the
hurricane within my half-healed heart
i just wish you hadn't melted
my glacial walls enough for the
high winds and fierce rage to escape
and pound upon the just slammed door.
i never meant to trip and fall this easily
but my entranced eyes stopped watching
where my drunken feet were stumbling
and your hand brushing up my back
only served to force me lower,
not help me up as you no doubt intended.
but the best intentions are just that -
things we meant to do but didnt follow through.
actions speak louder than words but i still
can't quiet that screaming voice within me saying
"i told you so, you stupid cow"
til i'm forced here murkily at your front step
waiting for the sun to dry me out and send me home
back to the sky where i belong
back to where you can't touch me or make me cry
back to where i never let you in
back to where its only i, i, i
and never me, and never we, and never us
back to my ice prison i won't let melt again.
no matter how bright the flame or strong the fire.
back to the solitude i so desire.

Painfully Shy

in my year of social exile, i've become shy, closed off, insane (moreso than normal). i'm not trying to be mysterious, this is just the enigma of me. i'm a goddess in text, my achilles heel is real life situations. witty, agile, sweetly sarcastic as long as you aren't looking at me waiting for the words to come. asking me "what?" when you didn't understand the jumbled phrases from my lips. It's like a stutter, where it sounds fine in my head but it comes out mumble, mumble... oh god, i've turned into Dr. Horrible.



I can't seem to connect from brain to mouth without a detour through my hands. I need to put pencil to paper or have fingers swiftly flying over keys to get it out before the thought disappears at tongue and teeth. I close a part of myself off when put in sober social situations. hunched shoulders, hands clasped tightly in lap, legs crossed at ankles, prim and proper. i'll look anywhere but at you, sneaking glances when you're looking away. feeling like an idiot cause i can't force myself to be me, can't say what i want to say and no words seem enough. its like a self-fulfilling prophecy, i know i can't be witty in person so i'm not witty in person. i save it up and write it all down later, but that only makes me seem uninterested in the conversation or unable to form a basic thought besides "haha" and "yeah, i get that". i come across as a boring bitch or vapid airhead.

i could listen to you talk for hours, storing and saving up everything i want to write down when i get home safe where you can't see me. it pours out of me then, uselessly in notebooks and text files that you'll never see because the conversation's dead and gone. i guess its safer that way, lets me still hold a part back that isn't naked for you to see. or for anyone to see. it isn't really about what you think- hate me, love me, think i'm insane; it doesn't matter or have any effect on the mental roadblock. hate you, love you, think you're absolutely crazy (but i like it); and my reaction is still the same until i build up a nervous tolerance. people make me nervous. people i like make me more nervous because i know my being unable to carry on any sort of balanced conversation will only make them lose interest. i'm not an interesting person when you're looking at me so intensely. i sit quietly, hands folded in lap, tracing the tips of my fingernails with my thumbs until i feel at ease enough to whisper a contribution to the latest topic. a thousand retorts, funny and insightful, might flow through my head for every sentence spoken - but none of it would come out; i can't force my lips to part. and if i managed that small miracle, i can't force the air to form the words so i'm left like a guppy gasping on the kitchen table. i'll usually just stop trying and focus on my hands in my lap, looking up to sneak a glance at you speaking every few seconds to at least show i'm interested. i'm always interested.

so maybe i should just stick to text messaging and internet chat. get my social fix via cold hard words on a computer screen where i can't read your emotions and you can't stare while i'm thinking completely random stuff to say. but we all know that isn't enough for anyone - humans are social animals. fall outside the herd and get culled. survival of the fittest in our modern urban savanna.

i guess i'll try to adapt, force some words out no matter how draining it is to participate until i get comfortable enough for it to not matter. i can't spend forever so painfully shy until my life passes me by. a life half lived isn't a life at all... and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...